Well, that's what Week 3 was all about. I can admit, I cried at some point each day, more than once on some of those days. It was a ROUGH week, mentally and physically. And, for several reasons.
I try not to let those BIG things take affect on my attitude, I really do, I throw myself into several things to keep my mind busy but sometimes it's just not enough. It's not enough to cover those pains. I'm a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an in-law to my other family. and A LOT has been going on in those different roles. A LOT. I realized that I am, overwhelmed, emotionally. And, what can I do??
Being a Mom is tough sh*t, it's not easy. I can plan ahead all I want, some days it just doesn't go like that. I don't have a husband who relieves me at any point of the day. And, this past week the girls DEMANDED more of me that wasn't there. It was hard, I was upset, angry, annoyed, I cried. Because it wasn't fair to them, the strength had worn off SEVERAL times, and it wasn't their fault. They were used to having both parents to tug at. I had him alongside, when he was home for work, even if it was to "try" to cook dinner, un-interrupted. You know, no fighting between the girls, whining from the toddler who wants to be held, no DRAMA!
We weren't with him to celebrate his 30th Birthday, 2nd year in a row, THE 2nd year in a row. It sucked! It really, really, really sucked. Who doesn't want to hug and kiss the person they love and wish them a happy birthday?!?! The girls were sad when they realized it, he did call and we did sing to him over the phone. It was special in it's own way. But, it just wasn't enough, at least to me. I cried that night, I was really sad about it.
I cried every. single. time I thought of her son, because he is the same age as Ailea. And, her daughter, a teenager, aware of what was going on. She was fighting a terrible disease and although it took her from us. It made me realize that life is meaningful even through the hard times. I mean, I already know that. I'm thankful to know that I'm apart of a very STRONG, COURAGEOUS family, both sides. We've both dealt with several family losses in the past few years. And, it's really depressing when I think of it. And, that's just it, I don't think of it. I let myself get so busy with the daily life and hobbies, that I suppress it. I just don't deal with it. Like, when my dad got sick and I was pregnant and helpless. I hated myself, I hated every ounce of ME. And, realizing that he passed away just a month and a day before Serena's birth, made me SUPPRESS it like no other. With all that happened recently, it rose up and bit me in the ass. How stupid was I to not cry and cry and cry and cry...because he passed away. I mean, I think about it, get sad, I miss him, and quickly distract myself. Well, it didn't happen this past week, like now, my eyes are just flowing the tears.
And, during the very emotional week, I just thought the world was SO unfair to us all. Unfair in the most harshest ways. And, I hated it a lot, I hated myself, for being so hard on myself and letting so much negativity take over me. Given the situation, it's fair. I'm allowed to hurt and be angry at something I have no control over. What I hated was that I could not, the harder I tried, I just couldn't control by emotions. I didn't want to cry because I automatically thought I was weak and I can't be weak, I have to be STRONG, Well, f8ck that. I was weak, and I let everything pour out. And, I felt better after some crying while other times, I was just ready to tackle on whatever distraction was available.
I wasn't happy with myself during many instances this past week, I was just angry. I took it out on him over online conversations, he let me vent, and that's all I wanted to do. I didn't want him to comfort me from a far. I just wanted to vent, to bitch, to cry and I didn't want him to feel sorry for me. Because, in actuality, I was hurting for him too. He is a strong man, a father and I need to remind myself that we got a good man. And, to not take these little things for granted. I have the girls here day to day and they driving me INSANE most of those days. He would trade places with me, to have that insanity back. He fully understands how crazy it gets with these 3 kids, 3 girls that can be so sweet and then total disasters. I know they miss him, they tell me often. And, we are only almost a month into this deployment. It's just now easy. And, I know I'm not the only one breaking down. So, I thrive to be a better person, mother, wife....for that reason. And, I take it day by day. Now, I know weeks like this may be ahead, I won't be prepared and I;ll just let the tears flow, like a cleansing of emotions,.....but not really. Everyone needs a good cry.
"I am a woman in process. I'm just trying like everybody else. I try to take every conflict, every experience, and learn from it. Life is never dull." ~Oprah Winfrey
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