It feels like I have the world on my side these days; Beautiful Healthy Newborn, 2 Healthy Active Daughters (19mths & 4yrs old), Happy Husband, Busy Household.....but yet I feel so empty!!
I've had a ROUGH 15mths; A LOT of emotional issues went on. I lost my father on Jan 3rd after a ROUGH recovery process. I didn't even get to say good-bye or be there for my family while he struggled (he was in Mexico visiting family, had a stroke, brain surgery, recovering in a poor environment for roughly 7mths). Feels like my family (brothers/sisters) disconnected during this "recovery" period. I found out I was pregnant just a few days before receiving the call that he had a stroke and might not make it. The whole pregnancy had a lot of sadness for me, knowing of my dad's condition. The fact that my mom told him I was expecting, days before the stroke. It ust breaks my heart looking at my tiny precious baby girl. I feel like he's with her...i know sounds strange but really, I do. I know it's hard to deal with a loss of a family member and its much more harder b/c I'm not with my family. I live in CA and they are in TX. I don't know somedays, I can consume myself with house chores, crafts, girls, etc and other days I let the pain consume me. I feel so helpless in my own skin. I recentl started to evaluate myself; What makes me the happiest. Being around my little family does but even when I'm with them; smigling, giggling, relaxing and outing to walmart, whatever it may be.....i feel so empty. This is probably normal when grieving, right?! Then add post-baby emotions...WOW!! Yesterday, I started my fitness routine which distracts me A LOT but not enough. Well, it's only DAY 2. I'm juest eager to get doctors clearance for full workouts like jogging, spinning and other intense activities. I feel like that will keep me distracted the most. Yet again, how does one deal...it's tough. I'm 26yrs old and I've experience my first family loss, (OH, also lost my grandmother (my Mom's Mother) in June). Like, I said it's been rough, I feel emotionall stretched yet hold strong for family.....
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